The Bored (in the words of Sanka from Cool Runnings) are feeling very Olympic today. We just can’t help it. We tried to ignore it for a while but the nation’s fervour and Coca-Cola’s marketing was too much. Then we tried to get upset about it and campaigned for a minute’s silence only to be met by a crushing silence (the irony wasn’t lost on us). So now we have decided if you can’t beat ‘em (and Jews are notoriously bad at sport) join ‘em, but in a way that changes the odd to your favour.
In that spirit the Bored are proud to present “The Bored Games” 13 Events designed around our community’s unique skill set. They are all played indoor and with full stomachs but will give UK Jewry the chance to excel in at least one Olympiad this summer or in the case or your Jewish mother the chance to meddle.
Koshopoly – move your tiny silver car (or giant 4 x 4) along Brent Street’s free parking bays whilst buying up kosher restaurants. Then try to build house or set them all on fire with going to jail.
F-Risk – The CST’s new indoor game of strategy, includes turning a hunt for chocolate biscuits into a terrorist bomb search and the chance to see how many innocent citizens can you pat down by pretending to be a policeman without anyone questioning your authority.
Inarticulate – ask JFS GCSE RE students to comment on religious diversity and to explain why they have no gentile friends.
Fress Who? – An anonymous cook-off between the various top Jewish Mothers to establish which has the best Haimishe cuisine. As each housewife is eliminated she is ceremonially flicked in the back of the head.
Buckaroo (Summer Tour Leader Edition) – carefully but consistently pile various legal, administrative and pastoral care responsibilities on the shoulders of a disinterested student until they snap and assault the medic.
MSFL Subbuteo – Rotund red-faced subbuteo figures are flicked around a cloth pitch which is drenched in water with no particular direction, whilst even fatter statuettes shout from the side lines.
Blankety Blank – Attend a Young MDA party and see how many ‘Hi, how are you?’s you can ignore.
Draughts – write loads and loads of draft complaint letters to channel 4. The loser is the first person to question whether it will make any difference.
Trivial Pursuits – Manage any Jewish sports team and then try and discuss it with your non-Jewish colleagues with revealing how low the standard is.
Mousetrap (Jewish School Edition) – skilfully manoeuvre your family from catchment area to catchment area, negotiating dangers like the temptation for secular education and accumulating the necessary Synagogue points to avoid the trap of the local comprehensive.
Frustration – (See no. 8)
Bridge – Stand beneath the over-pass between Brent Street and Golders Green Road on a windy Shabbat and try to catch as many hats and kippot that blow off in the wind.
Jewish Care’s – Shakes and Bladders – Try to reach 100 and your telegram from the queen and avoid ending up in a Jewish Altakaka’s Home.
And that’s just for starters… if you have any others let us know in the comments and don’t forget to follow @boredofdeputies for your fix of New-ish Jewish News over this sporting summer.