If I were a Goy (song parody)

" A satirist, Jacob uses humour as a tool to unite people. His parodies serve to make serious Jewish issues accessible to everyone in an informal way....."

23rd July, 2012

To the tune of “If I Were A Boy” by Beyonce.

—

If I were a Goy even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed after chatzos
And put on my tefillin and go…

…Straight off to Mc D’s
Get a burger and cheese
And I wouldn’t say a bracha
Or care ‘bout ma’aras ayin at all
Coz I’d do as I pleased…

If I were a Goy
I think G-d would understand
I’d eat Kingsmill bread in London
Now wouldn’t that be pretty grand

Wear linen and wool
Charge ribbis to the full
I would keep the Hendon eruv
Even though it’s controversial
And walk 10,000 amos past the t’chum

If I were a Goy, I’d get a non-Kosher phone
Tell everyone it’s basic
Then I’d secretly download some ringtones

I’d hear women sing
Have a bit of a fling
I’d drink wine that’s not mevushal
Use uneven weights and measures at home…at home

If I were a Goy
I think G-d would understand
If I spoke some loshon hara
Or went to Eilat to get tanned

I’d eat Rabbanut
No Mehadrin for me
Take the bad from good on Shabbos
Breed my camel with my donkey
And plant my field with some mixed seeds

It’s a little too late to be thinking like that
You know that once you’re a Jew you can never go back
If you thought you could fake it, you thought wrong…

But if I were a Goy
I think G-d would understand
Yes He would understand, oh…
How it feels to be a glutton
I’d drink ‘til I could barely stand

Play Goyisha songs
Eat Chinese in Hong Kong
And I’d buy Indian sheitles
Coz I know that they’d be grateful
And I think it might help us get along

But I’m just a Jew…