The Bored’s media spies have been earning their corn in the past few weeks (and by ‘corn’ we mean slightly over industry standard salaries, despite not working Friday afternoons). They have chased down and intercepted a piece scheduled to run in this week’s Cosmopolitan; a personality quiz entitled “Are you a Faux Frum girl?”
Now, for the uninitiated amongst our followers a Faux Frum girl can be many different things to many different people… What we can agree on is that the origins of the phrase are simple. Faux is the French for ‘false, not genuine or imitation’ and Frum, of course, comes from the Yiddish word FROM which is actually an acronym for ‘Forever Resentful of Maimonides’.
Nowadays, Faux Frummers are a diverse breed, but there are 2 common threads. They are (almost) all girls and they never have a cogent and consistent set of religious practices, although you might not be able to tell in the initial 10 minutes of talking to them.
But don’t rely on our explanation, take this test and judge for yourselves:
Cosmo Quiz: Are you a 21st Century Feisty Faux Frummer?
OK girls, the next fierce instalment in our Cosmo ‘Find Your Identity’ series has finally arrived (squeal)… Just answer the questions as honestly (think the opposite of what you tell your parents) and make sure you keep a note of your answers to find out if you are a real faux frummer, or a plain, old, boring, genuine person. Here goes!!!!
1) Soooooo, it’s a Wednesday evening and you are out with your friends, are you?
2) Awww well jeal…You’re head bridesmaid for a friend, in charge of the hen night! Do you?
3) Your (genuinely) frum school friend is pregnant with number 2, another friends suggests buying a present together for the baby shower, do you?
4) You bump in to a male, irreligious, family friend in the street who goes to greet you. Do you…
5) You’re home for Sukkot with your parents and 10am rolls around. Are you?
Mostly A’s) Congratulations, you are certainly no fraud and we can drop the faux when describing you. This is great news unless you’re single and over the age of 24, in which case the time is about 10 minutes to Compromise O’clock .
Mostly B’s) You’re clearly a candidate for the faux frum identity, as your self-righteous indignation, deep-seated cultural malevolence and eye for a sparkly cardigan mean you’ll feel right at home at the mikvah you never attend (for fear of not feeling at home).
Mostly C’s) You’re false and you’re definitely not frum, but I’m afraid you’ve missed the balance and ended up more rebellious fibber than the social butterfly you see yourself as… If you were really faux frum, you’d never gamble on being caught with your long-skirt up. Your Hasmonean teacher was right to boot you out after GCSEs. However, there is some good news, if you lose your job or are hit by some other vulnerability, you could definitely fall for a once-unruly Ba’al Teshuvah and have an awkward relationship with your in-laws.
Mostly D’s) You’re not faux frum and you might not even want to be, the problem is you don’t know what you want apart from those online vouchers. You need to address your Jewish identity and quick before you see the cheap deals Aish are offering to discover yourself in Cambodia.
It will come as no surprise that The Bored are outraged by this, but we always have a response, be it political, legal or in this case inspired by a Purim Schpeil. The Bored will be employing a Jewish rip-off artist Sir Shix-A-Lot to sing a cover of “Baby got back” known as “Baby got bored”. Here are our lyrics:
I… like… frum girls and I cannot lie
All of her brothers can’t deny
That when a girl walks in with a Shabbas belt around her waist
And tznius in your face
You get sprung…
Wanna pull up tough
‘ Cause you notice that tachat stuffed
Deep in the skirt she’s wearing
Shows a knee that’s a little bit daring
Oh, baby I just wanna tell ya
Make you my kalla
My hasmo boys tried to warn me
But that tachat you got gonna taunt me …
Ooh yeah, I’m a real bad mensch
You say you wanna get me to bensch
Well, work it, let’s go to 86
‘Cause you ain’t that average BA-nik
I’ve seen them dancing
And hell your faux-frumness on the floor got me chancing
Can’t be sure, but if you hide it from your mates
We can go to Pizza Express for dates
I’m tired of yoks and the kind
I think this could be the time… Baby got Bored!