Sunday, 26th May, 2013
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The Bored’s media spies have been earning their corn in the past few weeks (and by ‘corn’ we mean slightly over industry standard salaries, despite not working Friday afternoons). They have chased down and intercepted a piece scheduled to run in this week’s Cosmopolitan; a personality quiz entitled “Are you a Faux Frum girl?”
Now, for the uninitiated amongst our followers a Faux Frum girl can be many different things to many different people… What we can agree on is that the origins of the phrase are simple. Faux is the French for ‘false, not genuine or imitation’ and Frum, of course, comes from the Yiddish word FROM which is actually an acronym for ‘Forever Resentful of Maimonides’.
Nowadays, Faux Frummers are a diverse breed, but there are 2 common threads. They are (almost) all girls and they never have a cogent and consistent set of religious practices, although you might not be able to tell in the initial 10 minutes of talking to them.
But don’t rely on our explanation, take this test and judge for yourselves:
Cosmo Quiz: Are you a 21st Century Feisty Faux Frummer?
OK girls, the next fierce instalment in our Cosmo ‘Find Your Identity’ series has finally arrived (squeal)… Just answer the questions as honestly (think the opposite of what you tell your parents) and make sure you keep a note of your answers to find out if you are a real faux frummer, or a plain, old, boring, genuine person. Here goes!!!!
1) Soooooo, it’s a Wednesday evening and you are out with your friends, are you?
- At the local lady’s shiur studying, trying (in vein) to find examples of feminism in vayikra.
- Shopping for ingredients for Friday night dinner – just the final touches as you did most of the work last Motzei Shabbos, but know that if you don’t make an appearance in Kosher Kingdom tongues will start wagging.
- Out with your colleagues who you diligently keep separate from your “main” friends, for fear of them mentioning the incident at last year’s office Christmas party.
- At Finchley Lido… Orange Wednesdays, man!
2) Awww well jeal…You’re head bridesmaid for a friend, in charge of the hen night! Do you?
- Plan a low key night of challah baking followed by latkes and salami, and a tipsy game of twister.
- Tell her that you think hen parties are inappropriate and that you refuse to organise one, whilst secretly planning 4 days for you and her in Magaluf with no cameras allowed.
- Organise pole-dancing classes for a group of 20 but then refuse to participate or drink and casually rub your belly during the evening.
- Ask her how she feels about doing it on a Monday night because cocktail making is 40% off.
3) Your (genuinely) frum school friend is pregnant with number 2, another friends suggests buying a present together for the baby shower, do you?
- Jump at the chance and head straight for the Early Leining Centre to pick up a toy Time Switch.
- Decline saying that you think teenage pregnancy is irresponsible and secretly then try and outdo her present with a homemade teddy bear, complete with peyot and siddur.
- Accidentally suggest buying a Peppa Pig toy, before realising how blasphemous it was and bribing the friend to keep your terrible secret.
- Decline as the shower clashes with your (free trial) Frumba dance class.
4) You bump in to a male, irreligious, family friend in the street who goes to greet you. Do you…
- Maintain a safe distance, never entering a 1 metre radius of his body before commencing a series of imperceptibly tiny bows each with a forced smile… and then say hello.
- Engage him with eye contact and a smile, lean in for a kiss and then once he has leant in too, reel back with a horrified look, before telling his baffled expression not to be embarrassed.
- Return his gaze but nothing further, then after check nobody is watching, draw him in to an alleyway for a kiss, cuddle and cheeky bum grab.
- Engage an on-the-cheek peck so as not to make him uncomfortable, but in order to ensure that it can in no way be sexualised, ram the side of your face into his, jaw first and with such force it knocks his glasses off.
5) You’re home for Sukkot with your parents and 10am rolls around. Are you?
- Already at home preparing lunch, having been the only female at the vatikin minyan but as a gesture of kindness to your mother you agree to head back to Shul for another go.
- Exhausted, having been up since 4am trying on combinations of vest tops, cardigans, blouses and dresses that show the maximum amount of skin whilst remaining tznius, before picking a combination at random and wearing that over a long-sleeve t-shirt which doesn’t match anything.
- Sound asleep, having meticulously told your Edgware friends you’re in Hendon for chag and your Hendon friends you’re at home.
- Embarking early on the 22 miles round trip from Borehamwood for shacharit, to Golders for lunch, seuda in Finchley and back home in time for round two of chicken soup.
Mostly A’s) Congratulations, you are certainly no fraud and we can drop the faux when describing you. This is great news unless you’re single and over the age of 24, in which case the time is about 10 minutes to Compromise O’clock .
Mostly B’s) You’re clearly a candidate for the faux frum identity, as your self-righteous indignation, deep-seated cultural malevolence and eye for a sparkly cardigan mean you’ll feel right at home at the mikvah you never attend (for fear of not feeling at home).
Mostly C’s) You’re false and you’re definitely not frum, but I’m afraid you’ve missed the balance and ended up more rebellious fibber than the social butterfly you see yourself as… If you were really faux frum, you’d never gamble on being caught with your long-skirt up. Your Hasmonean teacher was right to boot you out after GCSEs. However, there is some good news, if you lose your job or are hit by some other vulnerability, you could definitely fall for a once-unruly Ba’al Teshuvah and have an awkward relationship with your in-laws.
Mostly D’s) You’re not faux frum and you might not even want to be, the problem is you don’t know what you want apart from those online vouchers. You need to address your Jewish identity and quick before you see the cheap deals Aish are offering to discover yourself in Cambodia.
It will come as no surprise that The Bored are outraged by this, but we always have a response, be it political, legal or in this case inspired by a Purim Schpeil. The Bored will be employing a Jewish rip-off artist Sir Shix-A-Lot to sing a cover of “Baby got back” known as “Baby got bored”. Here are our lyrics:
I… like… frum girls and I cannot lie
All of her brothers can’t deny
That when a girl walks in with a Shabbas belt around her waist
And tznius in your face
You get sprung…
Wanna pull up tough
‘ Cause you notice that tachat stuffed
Deep in the skirt she’s wearing
Shows a knee that’s a little bit daring
Oh, baby I just wanna tell ya
Make you my kalla
My hasmo boys tried to warn me
But that tachat you got gonna taunt me …
Ooh yeah, I’m a real bad mensch
You say you wanna get me to bensch
Well, work it, let’s go to 86
‘Cause you ain’t that average BA-nik
I’ve seen them dancing
And hell your faux-frumness on the floor got me chancing
Can’t be sure, but if you hide it from your mates
We can go to Pizza Express for dates
I’m tired of yoks and the kind
I think this could be the time… Baby got Bored!
