Bored of the Tribalism: The Twelve Jibes

" The Bored of Deputies is an unrepresentative, unelected, unaccepting & unreal (dis)organisation guiding British Jewry....."

21st September, 2012

The Bored love flattery so we were delighted to be schmoozed recently, by our friends at Tribe. Tribe has been around for either 10 years or 4000 depending on your definition – making it either slightly younger than its members or slightly older than the principals on which it was founded. Over that time rumours, hearsay and downright, mendacious, (Reform), sabotage has built up a dozen misconceptions of the famous Kinfolk organisation. The Bored have lent our powerful PR team to refute and correct these fallacies and here are our responses (soon to be made into a handy pamphlet to be distributed as part of the Yom Kippur appeal):

21-30 yr olds only join tribe to make their parents happy.

Any parent that is made happy for a mere £5 a month hasn’t raised a Jewish child. They’re going to need, good grades, a top-notch job and grandkids, so that invalid and anyway everyone knows twenty-something’s take out TCM (Turner Classic Movies) for the benefits.

There are no actual benefits to TCM apart from Burial Rights.

That’s ridiculous, there are loads of benefits look at this (genuine) quote from the tribe website “As well as regular Tribe membership benefits, TCM card-holders get a whole load more. You become a full member of your local shul (including burial) and you receive a number of great benefits. Plus, of course, joining your local shul will probably make your parents happy.”

So there you go, it does make your parents happy, you get your burial rights you get “loads of other benefits” and your “regular tribe membership benefits”. All in all you end up with more benefits, than a teenage, Charedi, disabled, single mother of 7 kids. You can check out the regular tribe membership benefits on this link and this easy access to benefits lists, is just another benefit.

TRIBE stands for Turning Reform Is Basically Evil

A common misconception, “Turning Reform is Basically Evil” is the first line of Tribe’s constitution any other issues are just acronymic consequence.

TRIBE was originally going to be called Becoming Reform Is Basically Evil, until they saw the acronym for that.

This is entirely unfounded, but we can understand why people might think it was a bribe what with all the great benefits.

Tribe Youth Directors are housed in palatial accommodation at the community’s expense.

No member of Tribe has stepped foot in a palace since our founders 4000 yrs ago! Besides, we hardly think that a standard of living deemed acceptable by a Mother from Stanmore Shul can be regarded as unnecessarily luxurious.

Tribe Youth Directors were responsible for £15,000 worth of property damage after an unextinguished spliff was accidentally tossed into a pile of flyers and Kiddish wine.

This is rumour and conjecture. The police report clearly states that the fire was started by the fervour generated in a particularly zealous minyan and an abundance of tea lights.

Tribe regularly treat their staff to opulent Met Su Yan lunches, funded by charitable money.

Even voluntary sector workers have to eat… and besides Chinese Chewsdays are part of our organisation culture. So are Quench your Thirstdays (spent in the pub) and Early Fried-days (cod and chips on your way home at 1pm).

Keen to capitalise on the success of their 60 days for 60 years books. Tribe are bringing out a Diamond Jubilee special “60 Outdated Institutions for 60 years”.

Tribe are not considering a royal addition to the 60/60 range, but the titles under review are: 60 Obscure additions to chulent, 60 (Kosher) ways to skin a cat, 60 Minutes midweek minyan and 60 Flatulent demographic observations intended to make you fear and loathe non-orthodoxy even though you’re not orthodox.

Tribe campus ambassadors are nothing more than opportunistic BA boys gladly taking the £150 a month salary that gives them an expense account through which to stock their houses (and those of their mates) with booze and kosher food.

This is untrue. They also invite the local Aish campus rabbi to give weekly shiurim with a confused and bizarre educational agenda, which itself squarely contradicts Tribe’s own multi-faceted and wacky educational agenda.

Tribe’s Israel programmes can only be a “land-grab” from the youth movements since their primary goal is the continuation of the United Synagogue and Zionism is not among their aims.

Surely of all people, Zionist organisations can’t be making accusations of “land-grabs”. Err…Pot? Kettle.

Besides, the claim that Tribe ‘isn’t Zionist’ is unfair and untrue. Zionism is no longer a question of draining the swamps and wearing triangular hats. The educational message of Tribe Tour (don’t become reform, do become an accountant, do buy a holiday home in Netanya) is geared towards securing Israel’s seasonal tourism industry for decades.

At a recent Tribe-Sponsored Campus Friday night meal, Reform benchers were included as a concession to the venue’s pluralism, but were then used as coasters and door-stops.

Closed doors are a fire hazard and no one likes water rings on a paper table cloth.

This year’s Tribe campus pack is reported to contain an anthology of right wing literature, a bottle of grape juice and a tin opener. Again.

Students love mundane household items, donors love copious Pro-Israel rhetoric and everyone loves their super-cool tribe record bag… they’re all over campus.

So there you have the Bored come to the rescue again. Seems like we’re putting out fires all over the place…not unlike a certain youth director.

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