The Bored don’t know what all the fuss is about! This weekend the Queen will celebrate turning sixty, or turning into a diamond or celebrating the anniversary of her journey from Green Park to Queensbury or something along that line. Don’t misunderstand us, achieving any of those things is cause for celebration, especially if you have to do them whilst being married to Prince Philip, but this weekend can be an alienating time for a British Jew.
The Queen is not just the monarch; she is also the Supreme Governor of the Church of England (which incidentally is what we are considering as the title of the next Chief Rabbi). Whilst we can commend and respect her achievements, we are also a little alarmed by the transition of our nation’s streets into a mass BNP rally in recent weeks. Even consumer goods are being Jubilee-fied everything from the tooth paste, to the fairy liquid is covered in the Union Jack; we can only hope Nick Griffin’s wife hasn’t still got her Costco membership. And while we’re at it… what kind of a name for a flag is that anyway? All the unions hate Israel, so why should this ‘Jack’ be any different?
But fear not erstwhile Hebrews, there are actually a remarkable number of (tenuous) connections between our people and the Royal family to make you feel a part of things. To the outside observer a family who only recently allowed a different stream of Christians to join, who’s staff and entourage and almost exclusively appointed by nepotism and succession and who live in London but nowhere near a kosher restaurant, might seem inaccessible to a minority faith like our own. However, it’s that kind of short-sightedness that threatens to cause a schism between us and our sovereigns that even a plaque on the Synagogue wall with the prayer for the royal family (edited with bits of masking tape to respond to Births, Deaths and Marriages) can’t fix.
A quick scan of this week’s Special Edition of the JC (which this week stands for Jubilee Chatter) will show we have 100’s of links to the Monarchy. There is the Whitefields resident whose disinfectant business was briefly the bleach of choice for the Royal WC. You can read about Gerald Ableman, who was a stage hand at the 1958 Royal Variety performance and can’t remember if he fetched her majesty a drink or not. And it would be remiss to overlook Talia Conn, who has played a crucial role in the Buckingham Palace concert, by actually restocking the paper used to print the sheet music for Gary Barlow!
But there’s no need to be jealous, you too can be part of the celebrations, whilst retaining your community identity. All you need do is follow The Bored’s 5 simple steps to turn your Jubilee weekend into a second successive 3-day Yom Tov:
There’s a party on my road and everyone’s invited – Have a Kosher Street Party! Replace sausage rolls with bridge rolls, Scotch eggs with boiled eggs, prawn cocktails with schmaltz herring and rhubarb tart and custard, for apple strudel and Riches cream. If you position you tables strategically along the street, you could cause as much disruption as Jewish drivers usually do. Whilst bringing the whole community together, will give you the chance to ignore your gentile neighbours, even more blatantly than when you put the bins out.
Boycott the Flotilla – Even though the term itself sounds like a buoyant reptile, this particular phrase has more Middle-Eastern connotations than the word Aladeen. As it happens, this event is a harmless royal booze-cruise, (the biggest since Prince Harry’s Punting party) but nonetheless it’s important not to legitimise the concept. So stay on dry land this Sunday and best to give the mikveh a wide berth too.
You call that a Lunch? – The nation is celebrating with ‘The Big Lunch’ – proper British grub on a huge scale. Why not put them to shame by promising you’re just going to do leftovers before delivering a gargantuan 5-course table-creeker extraordinaire.
Putting the Jewel in the crown – Ladies, it’s not every day that a person who has a castle for her jewels celebrates an occasion named after your favourite gem… The Bored cannot think of a better chance to heap undue pressure on your loved ones to supplement your Jewellery box. As an added bonus why not add to the excruciating atmosphere by harnessing the diamond link to put pressure on your 20-something child to tie the knot.
L’hadlik Ner Shel Jewbilee – as part of the celebrations the nation is lighting a series of beacons visible across the capital and each with a strict lighting time between 22.00 and 22.30. Not only do we suggest you get involved but The Bored would like to see Jews taking the lead on this one and coordinating the neighbourhood celebrations. We are even going to publish the lighting times in the JC.
So there you have it folks, short of dressing up like a member of the SS and seducing Harry this is the closest we are going to get to the world’s most famous family… apart from the Kardashians.
The Bored wish everyone a chag sameach and don’t forget to follow @boredofdeputies to let us know your thoughts on the community and get updates on Newish, Jewish News.