The Bored are up with the times, down with the kids and across all yout culture, like a very dizzee rascal. This week we have an extract from the letters home from one of our returning Israel Tour Participants; Adam Blackhead, about his favourite day of the summer.
Please note: This article doesn’t make reference to the Olympics. This is not a conscious rebellion against our jingoistic national mood, but merely the product of a strategy to isolate our youngsters from everything going on back home. That way when they talk about having the summer of their lives, it won’t be tinged by the disappointment that they could have had the same thing at home in a summer of sport and saved £3,000 to pay for a semester of university.
Today was the bestest day so far… we woke up well early and coz the kitchen wasn’t ready for us we had schnitzel for breakfast… Salmon-Ella-Ella-Ella, Eh Eh Eh! Then we got on the bus and I managed to get a seat on the 3rd row from the back which means I’m the 10th-14th coolest person on tours, although Olivia had gone to the doctors for her yeast infection that morning and she’s definitely back row material so maybe 15th…but still that’s a promotion. The bus was really packed, what with the 40 kids, the Israelis that have joined the group, our security team, the madrichimers, the bus driver’s mate who was heading in that direction, our packed lunches, whatever it is that’s growing on our packed lunches and the British Madrich’s ego.
And then we arrived in the most holiest, significant and important tourist destination in Israel…. Eilat. I can see why they said it was the best coz it was bear fun-tings…. First of all we done sch-gnaw-kling and it was totes funny coz they didn’t have any life jackets or lifeguards or nuffink and our dingy had a massive hole in it and I’m pretty sure the instructor was stoned but it was still well good and I saw a bit of coral… because her swimming costumer was a bit too big. It’s weird though coz our leaders – or to give them their Hebrew name Hadrichimsters – didn’t have fun with us… they just trembled, clutching the parental consent forms and whispering silent prayers.
And then we got free time in Eilat and they gave us 20 shmekels to buy lunch and obvs I didn’t have lunch, I spent it on a Henna and I got this Hebrew writing and it says “mefager” which means Player in ivrit and that’s which is super-sic (sic) because that’s what 5 of my Primark t-shirts say too! Also, while we were out Tyson Goldenberger and Harley Mendelsonstein were getting five-finger-discounts on stuff from the market, which I don’t understand coz judging from their trainers they are well minted and the trousers they nicked have funny shaped leaves on them and look like they were drawn by a 4 year old.
And then we done a hike which was safe, but mainly because it was so dangerous and 4 people had to be air-lifted to hospital with dehydration, but it’s all good because my madrichoosers said even if we had to pay for the helicopters, hiking was still cheaper than going to an actual paid tourist site. Anyway, the best thing about the hike was that I got to wear my walking boots and use my camel back and hiking stick all of which my Mum bought from our first and last visit to the outdoors camping shop in Brent X.
Anyway when we got back to the hostel our madrichots said we had to have a group meeting to discuss some serious issues…they said its about the boy-girl divide in our group, but I think it was just an excuse to get us in a room so they could check our bags for phones. They didn’t find mine though, I fitted a false chamber to my asthma inhaler and secreted and Nokia 8210 in there… genius plan as long as I don’t have an attack, but even if I am hyperventilating and I can’t get any oxygen, at least I can call my Mum (it was her idea actually).
Anywayz, the boy-girl divide in our group is well bad apparently. I fink it started on the first day when we had separate talks about “personal issues”. All the boys bonded really well when “four-eyes Nigel Benzer” asked if you could get scrot-rot even though your balls hadn’t dropped. I think the girls all started showing each other their periods and stuff and eating tampoids or whatever they’re called.
So after the meeting we got our rooms and I got to be with Blake, whose only the most super-mega-dope-fresh-ya-feel-me person on tour and anyway he got hold of some booze in Eilat, man. He told me it was a special Israel drink called Limon-nana or something which I’ve never heard of but Blake said it was like Israeli Jager-bombs so we done a couple of shotz and I was well gone… but I think I held it together. Anyway Blake finished the WHOLE BOTTLE but he is super amazing and then he said Georgia Granting was coming to the room to touch his special place and I was only allowed to stay if I hid until the covers of the top bunk and didn’t move and so that’s where I am now, typing this message on my asthma inhaler…
Tomorrow we’re going to the hole-y… no wait that should be wholly city of Jerusalem… Excited for a 3-religion MASH UP
L’garbatz (That’s Hebrew for see you soon),
P.S. Don’t tell no one about the drinking coz it’s “you try, you fly” here, sounds like pretty desperate marketing from Elal.
Readers may be wondering which movement Adam went with and the answer is simple… any of them.
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